I want to start off by apologizing to all of the men that I could have possibly hurt along the way of me trying to heal the wounds that some of you didn’t create but tried to help me mend. I think for the most part I tried to protect a lot of you from me and some of you were so persistent, so instead of being strong enough and standing my ground I caved and let you all into my ring of fire. I think a lot of you thought that you could be my knight and protector, the savior that would come and save my day and finally manage to break these walls down. A lot of you were doing everything in your power to win over my heart but didn’t realize that I didn’t even love myself. If I didn’t love me, how could you have ever expected me to fall in love with you? For the record, I never loved any of you. I CARED about ALL OF YOU deeply, but I never fell in love or loved any of you like I claimed that I had. You see, I didn’t realize that it was impossible to love someone else without self love. It took me over a decade to truly understand that and be able to wrap my head around that. I appreciate what every single one of you taught me about life and about myself and the amount of support some of you provided. I appreciate every wonderful moment that we possibly spent together and for the amount of affection that some of you gave me. I can now see that a lot of you were brought into my life to teach me the valuable lesson of self love. I’m just sorry for the way that I couldn’t be for you what you needed me to be. Understand that I was wounded, I didn’t care to know anything about men from time to time. I built such strong resentment towards men at one point in my life that I would talk back to most of you. I would become such a brat and sometimes even raised my voice at you. You didn’t deserve that, none of you out there reading this deserve to get caught in the crossfire of a wounded person. I know that some of you were only trying to help but I really wish you would’ve taken my warning a lot more serious. I was trying to find myself and I couldn’t do that with any of you by my side. I was trying to figure out how to heal from past traumas, how to mend my broken heart, how to love myself, how to fend for myself, and simply just figure out what to do with my life. I was trying to figure out what I wanted out of life and trying not to allow a man to stop me from being able to achieve that. I was trying to become a lot more independent than what I led on to believe that I was. The funny thing is that there was a huge part of me that was needy and when you all were needy with me it repelled me so much because you were mirroring a part of me that I was trying to bury deep within. That is exactly why I acted out the way that I did, that is the reason why I was possibly cruel with some of you. You mirrored to me the part within myself that I was trying so hard not to be. It made me run for the hills so badly! It would make me cringe so much but instead of telling you guys that, I decided to act out and it came off as ungrateful or as if I was the biggest jerk ever. I didn’t realize that all of you were trying to shower me with attention and affection because you were showing me that I deserved it and that I was worth it. Most importantly what I learned is that I deserved to give that to myself but I never did, UNTIL NOW. Thank you to those men who truly did everything to make sure that I understood just how worthy I am. Thank you to those men who truly put up with the wounded version of myself. Thank you to all the men that came into my life and had one hell of a ride but I hope that you now understand that you couldn’t save me. None of you could have ever saved me from whatever deep and dark emotions were stirred within me. Only I could have saved me from all of that and I finally did. To all of my readers, if you ever cross paths with a wounded person listen to the warning signs that they give out. If you notice that they’re pulling away, please let them pull away. It’ll save you a lot of hurt feelings. You can’t save these people, they need to be able to save themselves and pull themselves out of whatever hole they’re in. You can be there for support and you can even be there to listen to them, but do it without expecting anything in return.
To all of the men that I hurt, I hope that you are all doing well and have found your divine counterpart and that she is everything that you ever expected and more. I think every single one of you deserve that. To the men who helped contribute to my wounding, I hope that you’re doing well too. I now understand that you wounding me was only a result of something that had been done to you in the past or a possible traumatic event that you may have witnessed growing up. That caused you to truly do or say things that you didn’t possibly mean to say or do. I hope that you have all been able to heal your wounds and I hope that you’re happy as well with your divine counterpart if you have one. Thank you all for teaching me a lot about myself. Thank you all for truly being a part of my growth. Know that I never meant to hurt you in any way, but I didn’t know how to deal with all of my emotions. My actions and words were based off me not knowing how to cope with things that had happened to me. It’s no excuse but we live and we learn. For all of you out there that are possibly feeling hurt, let go of that pain. Find what works for you and work through those emotions and heal those wounds. It’s not okay to go around hurting more people for something that they have not done to you. We’re only creating more wounded people out there when we should be making this place better. For others of you who feel betrayed by someone from your past, trust that you needed to go through that in order to be a part of their growth and your own growth. Without suffering there would be no compassion. Thank the people who hurt you for teaching you how to be a more loving person because that’s exactly what they’re doing. We just choose to see ourselves as a victim. It’s so easy to become a victim of pain but you are meant to go through all of these things. Some of you may have been cheated on. No infidelity is not okay! I know a lot of people get cheated on but fuck some of you have no idea how much insecurities and or ego can kill a person from within. Understand that these people have bigger demons that you can ever imagine. Forgive them and move on with your life with your head held up high. Sometimes our fears kill everything around us and there’s collateral damage along the way.
To all of the men that I hurt, I wish you all nothing for the best and truly hope that you are all doing amazing and continue to do amazing. To all of the men that contributed to my wounding, I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING IT.
Now that I have finally reached a point of loving myself, I’ll have the chance to know what love really feels like. Not only with me, but I now have the chance to be able to fall in love. Oh the places that love will take me!