For the last couple of days I have felt this heaviness weighing down on my heart, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was that I was feeling. It wasn’t until the day before Christmas Eve when I gathered around my family that I realized what was weighing down on my heart with such heaviness. I had this wound that I hadn’t allowed to fully heal because I had worked so hard to suppress this emotion. I had convinced myself that I had let go of this pain deep within me, but what really happened is that I was asked to visit this wound by facing it right in the face and dealing with all of the emotions attached to it.
I had a falling out with a family member years ago, I honestly thought it was because of things she had done to me and or my mother or brother as adults but ended up realizing that the resentment I felt deep within stemmed from when this individual and I were younger. I always looked up to her as the sister that I never had. I admired her, heck I even wanted to be just like her. There was just one issue, her and I were about 7 years apart. So when I would want to play with her, she was in that stage where she just wanted to be around her friends. I would want to hang around her, dress like her, speak like her, and I loved her. As I got older I thought our relationship was improving but she was still cold with me, while she deemed herself to be supportive she would try and discourage me with my goals and wants. I developed an even bigger resentment for her as the time went by, not only was it stemming from childhood but then it stemmed from my teenage years as well. Once I reached adulthood it was game over, any little insult or any little thing she would throw my way that wasn’t supportive or uplifting was like World War III for me. I regret exploding the way that I did and saying the things that I did, you can’t take those things back. I don’t regret having spoken my mind, I regret how I went about it. I let out about 13 years of suppressed emotions in less than 5 minutes. That is DANGEROUS! I regret that our family got involved in this mess that should’ve stayed between two people. It created this division that I sometimes still carry within me, or I carried deep within me for a long time. I felt ashamed of myself because I felt like I should have known better but that was besides the point. I felt like time and time again I would step up to the plate and apologize for my behavior but I wouldn’t hear “I’m sorry” out of her. So then I realized that my hurt feelings meant nothing at that point, at least not to her but her hurt feelings were always valid.
Yesterday, after avoiding family gatherings for years I thought to myself that it was finally time to go “grow up.” It was finally time to get over whatever had happened and just simply go enjoy time with my family. All I’ve ever wanted is for us to all truly get together and have a great time and enjoy ourselves and truly feel the love that I see amongst other families. While I know that there are no perfect families out there and that every family has their own set of issues, I know that what we were experiencing wasn’t sitting well with me either. I showed up to this gathering and as I’m approaching all of them, everything felt different but the same all in one. Different in the sense where I felt like I no longer belonged there but the same because I still felt the cold chill from that one side. I found myself feeling so out of place and I even ended up eating at the table alone. At that moment it hit me, I was guided to attend that gathering to heal what I was still harboring deep within my heart. To heal the pain that I still had deep within. Sitting at that table alone did something to me, it brought me back to this place that I had so desperately been running from. I didn’t want to feel that pain ever again or that emptiness for that matter. There I was though, feeling extremely dumb for having shown up to this place and extremely devastated at the turn of events. I realize that I was meant to revisit that wound because I needed to feel those emotions again and truly feel them and be able to release them, once and for all. Those emotions were keeping me from things that I wanted. I would avoid getting close to any man before because I knew that during the holidays it would be a constant reminder for me that I didn’t have what this individual clearly had, a close family with genuine laughter and love coming from them. Sometimes while you think that issues like this don’t or wont affect other areas of your life, they really do.
What I would love to point out is this, sometimes we are asked to revisit past traumas or past pain not to submerge yourself in that pain, but to finally feel every single bit of it and embrace that you no longer need to dwell on that emotion. If you have to revisit something it truly is meant to help you heal and let go. After having experienced this I can now truthfully say that I can come to terms with knowing that it is okay if you’re not close with your family or some of your family. Love them from afar, wish them well, and do everything in your power to create healthier habits with yourself and the people around you. Whether that be other family members or even friends. What I would also love to point out is this, if you truly feel it in your heart not to be around certain people or even family, do yourself a favor and don’t do it. Don’t force yourself to be around any type of environment where you don’t feel comfortable. Not even for the sake of not hearing the end of it from your parent(s) or whoever it may be. Be real with yourself, make your happiness a priority. I can finally move forward with my life in peace. I healed that part of me that needed healing. So I thank the universe for having gifted me with this blessing in disguise because it truly helped me out and I no longer have to wonder what if, I no longer have to run or hide. I can just be, I can live, and breathe freely without the heaviness weighing me down. If you’re feeling lonely this holiday season, it is okay! It’s going to be okay! Find ways to truly bring yourself to a better feeling state. Acknowledge what you’re feeling and then soothe yourself. Do things that’ll make you smile and laugh. I hope that you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I would also love to encourage you all to share a warm smile with a stranger maybe even a hug if that’s your type of thing. You truly never know what emotions anyone is feeling, it might just be what they need to feel alive again or to feel hopeful.