This is a post about how you can pretty much have everything and feel nothing all at the same time. We as individuals love to say, “When I have this I’ll be happy.” I’m here to tell you that you can have it all or at least be on the path where you are starting to receive these material things and still not feel happy, whole, complete, you still feel like there is something missing. You are never going to be content with whatever exterior item or desire you are wanting. That’s what I would like to call instant gratification but the permanent gratification you think comes with those items never comes and the instant gratification that shows up dissipates almost instantly.
If I can use this platform to provide people with a word of advice it would be to truly find what makes you happy from within not through anything external. It’s a lie to keep telling yourself that a certain situation, money, partnership, or any other things outside of you that you can think of will make you happy. Think about why you want what you want. The only reason you ever want anything is because you’ll think you’ll feel good in the having of it, we tell ourselves that’ll make everything disappear. Our pain, our disconnect, pretty much everything. The thing is none of these things can ever come into our existence unless we’re actually in a state of joy anyway. So these things come to us to compliment our already happy lives. I spent this entire weekend with some amazing company on the mountains doing what I truly enjoy, snowboarding. The most interesting thing is that I still felt somewhat disconnected, the only time that I didn’t feel off was when I was snowboarding. When I’m snowboarding I feel very much alive, I feel bliss, joy, peace, and simply amazing. So what was bothering me this weekend that I still felt so disconnected with the amazing group that I went with? The atmosphere was truly refreshing, the view was amazing, and the snowfall happening throughout the weekend was just the icing on the cake.
When I got back home I didn’t feel like myself. I felt like my old self again, if you’ve been keeping up with my blog then you know that my old self was a depressed me. A version of me that held on to her victim stories like they were protecting me from something when they were only harming me. My dad called me on the phone and I instantly felt so irritated. I didn’t want to talk to him or anyone but then I realized halfway through the conversation that I needed guidance and advice for how I was currently feeling. So I changed the conversation to myself instead of shutting him out. I knew that was the moment when I most needed comfort instead of continuing this cycle of pushing people away. I let him know how I was feeling and what I was feeling and experiencing. There’s one thing that he said that most stood out to me and that was, “You can’t be afraid of being happy.” Those words will forever sit with me because he was absolutely right. I think when things are going so well in my life, I truly go back to that energetic space where there’s fear or sabotaging energy. I think that by living my happiest life I’m going to be betraying those closest to me, what I mean by this is that I know the amazing and high energy to me, but sometimes I just feel that even with my own family I have to dim my light in a sense. I feel that I’ve been holding back on the beautiful essence of who I am. Sometimes I feel like I think that some family members will secretly resent my success and feel that I got a “lucky” break or that something came into my existence because of the way that I look or whatever other reason they or someone else can come up with. For as much as my family is supportive and I know that they love me sometimes I can hear the judgement in their tone and I get discouraged of giving things my all. I think what holds me back is when I see them struggling, it breaks my heart and it makes me want to do everything in my power to be able to help them. I feel tired and drained at the end of it because I feel that with whatever bit of help I can extend out to them is never really the right help that they need or it’s never enough.
I don’t think some of them realize the power of their words. Maybe this hurts me so much that it just causes me to shut down. It’s so easy for people to say, “You shouldn’t let the opinions or actions of others affect you so much.” Family is important to me but I think there comes a time when we realize that we can’t dim who we are and we shouldn’t. Not even for the sake of trying to “help” out your family. Trust me, they’ve never asked me to dim my light, they’ve supported me, they’ve encouraged me to go after things, but it really kills me when they make small comments about their situations. The way they carry themselves from time to time simply breaks me. It’s a world against me type of feeling that they carry from time to time. That’s what does it for me, that’s what makes me want to put my happiness on hold to go help them out. I put me on standby and my dreams and my goals on hold to want to go help not only them, but the rest of the world. Why do I allow the burden of others to weigh me down so much? I don’t have to take on other peoples issues and make them my own, but I do from time to time. See the thing about me is that I push people away at times because I feel that others will end up resenting me for the success that I know is within me. Why do I care? Because these comments almost make me feel like by receiving these things it’s happening because I’m privileged, or because of how I look, or the best one is because I’m a woman and we get everything that we want.
Why can’t I get things simply because I believed in myself? Or because I show kindness to others in times of need. Or because I actually know how to jump on opportunities as they come to me. Or because I’ve discovered that I get everything when I’m feeling great and that truly is the secret to getting everything that you’ve ever wanted. To feel great and to simply believe in yourself. Believe in your greatness. On this pursuit of happiness I’m discovering that the external does not bring me the satisfaction that I want or look for, I’m learning and have learned that when I get myself to a level of such extreme joy, peace, and happiness everything that I want truly does come to me. I know that I have the potential and the ability to be able to have everything that I want and I stop myself from those things because half of you don’t believe in yourselves so you have to go and tear everyone else around you. I have the ability to have the best friendships, career, relationship, and everything else that I could possibly want, but I stop myself and hide from everyone in order to not hear negative remarks and or to hear anyone tell me just how shitty they think their lives are. Quite frankly life is truly amazing if you allow it to be. We all truly have the power to have everything that we want and you choose to believe that you can’t. I should not penalize myself for anyone else’s limiting beliefs. No matter who these people are. Today I vow to actually step out of this fear based mentality of dimming who I am for the sake of not hurting anyone else’s feelings or for the sake of trying to prevent jealousy, hate, or whatever other negative things you choose to project onto me. The only way I can truly reach my happiness is by filling my cup up and not dim my light anymore. Holding myself back is truly hurting me more than helping me. I can’t do that for anyone anymore. If you don’t genuinely support me and my happiness and success, please step out of the way and allow the real supporters and the real people who want to be there celebrating with me to come through. Please and thank you.
To everyone reading this, please allow your light to shine through. At the end of the day, everyone has the same amount of knowledge available to them to be able to help them get to where they need to. If they’re not doing the things to get out of their situations, please don’t take on that burden. Find what makes you happy and stick to that and let everyone else find what makes them genuinely happy inside.