Trust Issues

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I have been debating whether to speak up on this or not, I want to keep a lot of my things private but at the same time if my story helps someone out there then I think it was worth baring it all.

When I was growing up at about the age of I want to say 7 I was molested by a male friend of the family. I didn’t really know what was going on ,clearly I was only 7. Not what we’re supposed to be experiencing at that age. Then about a year later I was molested again, this time by a female friend of the family. With the female though, it was a lot more aggressive and what I mean by this was that this female had me do things to her against my own will, in fact she used religion to instill fear in me to do these things to her and she of course would do things to me as well. This was torture for me because she would tell me that if I didn’t do these things bad things would happen to me. So filled with fear of bad things happening to myself or my family I would do what she asked. I couldn’t stand seeing this girl or this guy at all. I rebelled so that I would always be in trouble to make sure that I wasn’t allowed to go places, to make sure that I wouldn’t have to see any of them. So I guess you can say that this is where my trust issues began.

Fast forward to the age of 17, I attended this party with my then boyfriend and some friends. Unfortunately for me I had drank too much and had gotten into an argument with my then boyfriend over some things so I asked him to leave. He hesitated at first because he knew just how intoxicated I was but he trusted that I was there with my friends. He trusted that I would be in good hands and he was wrong. What happened next wasn’t his fault even though I sure as hell made it seem like it was. I blacked out and woke up in a random house with a guy that was there within my group of friends on top of me and I realized what was happening. I was being raped but was so drunk that I couldn’t even react as quickly as I would’ve wanted to. I was disgusted, I was ashamed, I was feeling all of these low emotions, somehow I couldn’t help but feel that this was all my fault. Where had my trusted friends gone off to? Mainly the girl I claimed was my great friend. Although, that wasn’t the first time that she left me somewhere to fend for myself. Shame on me for continuing to go out with this friend but also shame on me, period. That’s all I kept thinking. I should’ve known better than to drink a lot, I should have known better than to have stayed behind at the party, I felt like there was no one else to blame but myself. I never once consented to what happened to me and I have to ask, “WHY?” What goes through the mind of a man when he sees an extremely intoxicated woman? Why would you even think that it’s okay to do anything with this intoxicated woman who can barely stay awake? Yet there I was placing all of the blame on myself. After this incident I wasn’t comfortable anymore, I didn’t feel right within myself anymore, I felt like trash. I felt lower than trash if that’s even possible. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. I wasn’t sure if this child was a result from the rape that took place or if this child was my then boyfriends. As if the shame wasn’t already large enough then this happened. I felt embarrassed because all I could think about was, “What if I go through with this pregnancy only to find out that this isn’t my boyfriends kid? How twisted would that be? He never really got confirmation from me that I was raped but he always sensed that there was something off with me after that day. I took out all of the anger that I felt on him and well everyone else. I couldn’t go through with the pregnancy, it was just honestly something that I couldn’t cope with and I couldn’t face. I was 17 and going through that trauma that was just too much for me. For anyone asking themselves, no I did not go to the police for this. When you start telling people what happened and they start to say, “You shouldn’t have drank so much”, you kind of just end up believing that you were at fault. Even if I had blacked out I felt like it was my fault someway, somehow.

From that moment on, I HATED myself. I felt unworthy of ever being able to have a decent man by my side, I mean why would I even think that I was worthy of having a decent man after that. Even if he didn’t know what happened to me, I did know. That was enough for me to think that I wasn’t ever going to be great enough or decent enough or even worthy enough to have a decent relationship. My real issue was just being able to trust. After all of these things that happened to me, I couldn’t find it in me to be able to trust, not friends, or guys that I dated. I felt like I was too damaged or too unworthy.

The reason why I’m telling this story is because if I finally decided to get help for these traumas you can too, should you have gone through anything like this. I’m learning how to trust people again, I’m learning how to love myself, I’m learning and have learned to transcend pain into power. I’ve become a lot more spiritual and have definitely undergone some major spiritual healing. I’ll get into the spiritual aspect of my life in a different post or perhaps a video. With the help of my community and friends I have been able to transcend this pain and trauma into healing and power. I’ve been able to trust people a little more but it’s still somewhat of an issue. The work that I have been putting into my healing is really turning my life around. If you need help, please reach out and get it. You too can get past this. I had plenty of reasons to not want to trust anyone. Not men or women but I didn’t want my heart to be filled with anger, resentment, hate, disgust, and all the other things you can think of. Life can get better if you want it to get better. The healing that I have been doing has been working for me and it can work for you too, slowly but surely I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m seeing my worth again. Don’t let anyone or anything make you feel unworthy or too damaged. YOU ARE VALUABLE!

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