Why Ultimatums Never Work

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For the most part we’ve all been there right? We’re in a situation that is considered to be far from ideal and you’re frustrated and suddenly you find yourself having a conversation with someone and saying you either do this or I walk away. Then one of two things happen, the person either tells you I’m sorry but I can’t match what you’re asking of me OR the person adjusts to your request and then suddenly you think you actually got what you wanted. I’m saying you think you got what you asked for because you didn’t really get what you wanted. Whether you were asking someone to change their ways to meet your Ego needs or whether you asked someone to commit to you because of also your Ego needs. You didn’t really get what you wanted or felt you deserved, you got someone to compromise themselves for you. You pressured someone into doing something that perhaps just wasn’t the right time to do.

I can already hear some of you saying, “But I needed to give myself my place, I needed this person to know that they I didn’t stand for what they were putting me through. I deserve commitment, I deserve a title, I deserve this person to be different than who they are at their core so that I can be happy.” Notice how the last part uncovers the main reason as to why you pressured someone into changing themselves so that you could feel relief, “safe”, comfortable, and well pretend happy. That’s right, I’m calling it pretend happy because happiness shouldn’t have to or shouldn’t come from a title, especially not from having someone change their ways just so that you can feel better about yourself. Security, comfort, and happiness don’t come from another person, it comes from within. You don’t need someone to be different so that you can feel better about you.

Listen, a word of advice here. Stop listening to the people that are telling you to give someone an ultimatum because what you’re doing isn’t right. You’re hoping that when you give someone an ultimatum that they’ll end up coming to their senses and they’ll fight for what you two have, or that they’ll realize what a great catch you really are and say everything you’ve wanted to hear come out of their mouth. Instead you’re dealt with someone who’s not intimidated by ultimatums and provides you with a twist. They say, “I completely understand where you’re coming from, I’m sorry that you feel this way”, and they’ll walk away. Then you create this story about how they were all wrong for you and how they must’ve been a terrible person who has commitment issues. Then you start saying other things about how they must’ve wanted to stay single to play the field. I want to debunk this and say this isn’t the case. At least most definitely not the most common.

When I was presented with ultimatums I had to question why someone required SO much of my time. Especially when I had goals that I was trying to achieve. I was in school and I didn’t even really have time for my family, friends, or myself. If I’m really honest I’ll have to say this, why are you allowing your Ego and or the comments people make about your situation pressure you into doing things that you don’t need to do. If you’re involved with someone who has a drug problem or is abusive, it’s not your job to save them. I get it you love them but if the person doesn’t want to help themselves there really isn’t much of a chance of permanent change. If you’re involved with someone who can’t quite commit to you, have you ever considered that fear is one hell of a thing? Have you ever considered that maybe out of self-respect and self-love the person vowed to take things slow the next time around in hopes of truly getting to know the person so that they can come to the conclusion that yes, they do want to take it to the next step, or no they’d rather just not go there with you either at all or just not yet. Our logical minds come up with plenty of reasons as to why something is happening the way that it is, but if we took the time to truly feel we’d understand that everything comes at the right time.

there isn’t anything wrong with you but your Ego and the people you allow to get into your head sure do make you feel like someone is disrespecting you or crossing you. When in reality, this person could possibly just be going through things that truthfully has nothing to do with you and could possibly be the cause for them behaving a certain way with you. You can’t let these situations from the past keep you from moving forward, let things move forward at their own pace. No one is trying to hurt you and if you really feel hurt, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you feel hurt. I can guarantee you that hurt feeling that you have is from something else and not from what’s happening to you with this individual. Why do you feel neglected? Why do you feel hurt? Why do you think you have to make something happen now? Why do you think that it’s now or never? What programming do you have within that’s causing you to feel and think this way, most importantly why do you feel the need to want to control a situation. PLOT TWIST, you have never been in control of anything in your life. You have been in control of sabotaging yourself, because that’s all that you’ve been doing sabotaging.

Put your ego and timelines to the side and truly just let someone be who they are. When you ask someone to compromise who they are for you, you will not have a happy relationship. You’ll be with someone who deep down resents the fact that they can’t be themselves out of the sake of them not being strong enough to stand up to you and say NO, I won’t do that to myself and because they changed a part of who they were at their core for someone who thinks their happiness depends on the behavior and actions of another. So did you really win? Did you really show that person just how “worthy” you are by doing that? If the person walks away from you congratulate them, they know that with you no matter what they would’ve done, it wouldn’t have been enough to make you happy. You were tasking them with the impossible and they knew that so they did what was best, they walked away.

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