The Ugly Truth: Love or Ego Based Needs?

Photo by Min An on

Do you constantly find yourself telling your partner that you want them to change? Do you spend your time fighting with your partner over petty things and then suddenly find yourself telling them or your friends that if they were just different, things would be a lot better and you’d be a lot happier? Do you find yourself constantly fantasizing about what it would be like if this person were just more of what you have written down on your list of qualifications for the “perfect” mate? Let me tell you something, if you answered yes to all or most of these questions, then I hate to break it to you but you’re trying to have someone based on your ego needs. I am not saying that you can’t find an amazing person who for the most part has the great qualities that you seek, but what I do want to point out is that this person that you so much keep breaking down or keep second guessing has so much potential. This person has so many amazing qualities that you so much loved to begin with, otherwise you wouldn’t have even given this a chance in any way, shape, or form. Ego based needs keep telling you that this person needs to be “perfect” in order for you to be happy. In order for you to even consider continuing this path with them but if we were all honest with ourselves we’d realize that no one is perfect. We ALL have our flaws. We ALL make mistakes, we ALL are learning about life and how to deal with everyday things as we go along.

How many times a day do you truthfully look at your partner or the person that you’re dating and praise them for all of the great qualities that they already have? How many times can you look at them or think about them and say, “I love how much of a great listener this person is, I love that this individual has so much drive, enthusiasm, I love how kind they are and I love the way I feel around this person.” You get the hint, I’m sure these people have great qualities and that they’re great most of the time but if you continue to focus on the 10 to 15 percent that they still don’t have right, then I’m not so sure you’re looking for a partner. You may just be looking for someone who can tend to your ego based needs, if that’s the case have an honest conversation with yourself. Yes, I know that sounds weird but it’s the truth. Do you have to be so conditional? Which means, “You have to be this way in order for me to like you and or in order for me to find you attractive.” If that’s the case then you’ll know at that point that you need to do some soul searching. If you continue to tear this person apart and hold their imperfections against them, you will continue this cycle until you figure out why you do this. I realized when I did this in my past it was because I allowed so many people’s opinions and or past experiences plague situations. One day I told myself that it was time to wake up. I stopped sharing my personal life with others and guess what? Things started getting better in my life. I no longer had other people’s opinions affecting my personal life. If any issues came up, I started dealing with them by communicating. See, that’s the key to all of this. You need to be able to communicate what’s bothering you. If you don’t do that then everything starts falling apart by the assumptions that are made.

Love means being able to watch your counterpart from afar and truly letting them go through the motions of growing up at their own pace without judging where they are on their path. Trusting that by simply communicating your concerns this person will be able to shift their perspective at their own pace. Love means appreciating this person for exactly who they are. Appreciating all of the great things that they do, appreciating their kindness, appreciating whatever love they have to offer, even if it’s in small increments. Love means allowing your person to truly have the opportunity to be able to be themselves, unapologetically. Love means understanding that where this person may seem like they’re “lacking” something and you’re strong in that area, you’re “weak” in another area and this other person is strong where you’re “weak.” There is no such thing as lack or weak but these are the words we use to describe situations and sometimes people. Love means not having to rush or pressure anything or anyone, at any time when you’re pressuring or rushing, you’re doing that from an ego state of mind. You’re not loving when you do that. As so long as someone is not being abusive with you, you have two options. Either you set your ego to the side and truly enjoy what can be a beautiful adventure with another, or you can step aside and let your ego win and continue on with these cycles of finding someone who meets ALL of your ego based needs. Let me ask you this? How many times has your ego left you fully satisfied? Just love and appreciate, that’s it. Love and Appreciation helps you see that people and moments are amazing as they are.

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